All today my heart was tossed by the sea. Violently. One fleeting moment pushed safely towards joy, and the next tugged swiftly back again to the depths of despair. And then when hope of another breath is all but lost, I feel warmth on my cheeks and open my eyes to find the world clear and sunlit once more. The storm has not relented all day and I only hope I can sleep.
Everything beautiful seems even more so a tragedy. Death is everywhere. I just cannot see the sweetness in it all, except for a few brief moments when the door closing me in with my fears and sorrows is cracked. Light bursts passionately through even the smallest slit, and it is then that I can see how beautiful everything is around me. I can see for a moment my wealth and that I lack nothing. Peace fills my heart for a moment. But a sharp wind slipping through another crack pulls shut the door, and I am in darkness again, impoverished and alone, wondering why I haven't stuffed rags in those cracks in the walls, or simply opened wide the door and left this place.
(Written this morning)
Something haunting about the bird calls outside. Walls of my bedroom and my window shut tight cannot keep their songs out. Spring-time lyrics pierce through my heart. It hurts.
It's a little sad to consider the entire earth... And yes, the struggles of every creature here, but also the beautiful places to find and beautiful people to know better... And in one little house in a small bedroom I lay curled up even smaller on the carpet, trying not to panic and trying to want to live. When all along life is the greatest gift. Yet here I lie.
(Later)
These are personal struggles to share, but it occurred to met that when people feel most alone, there are countless others probably literally curled up in that very fashion, battling for the life of their soul and grasping with shaky hands for any sense of peace, wherever they can find it.
This morning, my mind and body aching after a restless night, I opened to James 1, merely recalling that I always find something in that book to lighten my heart, and happening upon a direct response to many of my thoughts... (Note the part about the sea... Recently I was prompted to consider who exactly was king of my life. After reading the following verses I realized Doubt's terrible reign over me in the past years... and I am more than eager to rebel against him, and follow the only Good and True King who gives true wealth and who deserves such devotion... The other king deserves nothing of my heart).
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.
Believers in humble circumstances ought to take pride in their high position. But the rich should take pride in their humiliation--since they will pass away like a wild flower. For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich will fade away even while they go about their business.
Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him."
(WIP)
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