I talk to myself. Not usually out loud, but I let certain thoughts seep into me and affect me, and lately, in my lack of motivation and my struggle to focus I’ve only torn myself down. My wretchedness is truth, but there are other, truer, more powerful things that I haven’t been hearing over the noise of my self-inflicted shame. Suddenly, on paper, came simple and gentle words. I was finally able to address some of the struggle that has prevented me from resting, and these are thoughts I feel able to share.
They have valued you, noticed you, smiled shyly back at you, waved to you, told you stories, confided in you, related to you, tried to understand you, leaned in closer to hear you, laughed at you, helped you carry things, walked with you, and waited for you. Bless them, they have done a lot of waiting for you. And you’ve only just started knowing them all better. And loving them more than ever.
You feel numb if not fearful when you think of the next
stage of life, but you haven’t grown to love the things and the people in that
place yet. You haven’t had
adventures with them and haven’t listened to them and haven’t taken walks with
them yet. This bubble, though
imperfect, is all foresty and wild with lovely, crazy people who intrigue you
and are likewise interested in you and even love you somehow, and they are just
as caught up in the confusion of both embracing and letting go of those around
them. Compared to this place, the
next destination (whatever it is) appears somewhat empty. You can’t help but view it as all the
things you love about this place taken away. Some of it broken, most of it left behind, and all of it, I
expect, changed.
You don’t know how you’ve become so attached, and you
simultaneously wish someone had warned you not to love so much and told you to
love more. You’ve both cared too
much and taken everything for granted.
You’re not sure how to finish it out at this point. I mean, yes you turn in your final
papers and take your final exams and put on a gown and accept your diploma and
breath a sigh of relief and hug people and pack your things into a car and
leave. And make sure you pay your
library fine for the entire Chronicle of Narnia series that you kept out for
ages. The struggle is the dread of
it all ending before you are ready and have figured out what is going on and
what you are losing and gaining…
But that’s okay.
I suspect the rest of life will be like this.
You knew that you couldn't keep anything. But you didn’t know you
would desperately long to capture it all! It
is good that you loved it and acknowledged it was beautiful. You will treasure and remember it imperfectly, but as best you can.
Good things rush by before you can realize entirely how good
they are. But they only happened
because other things were left behind or changed.
Life not being perfect is painful and sometimes deeply
sad. At times, possibly often, things are so far
from perfect that your heart feels sick.
The brokenness in your friends’ lives and in strangers’ lives along with
the damage, confusion, and uncertainty in your own is enough to keep you from
enjoying the adventure if you let it.
Is there still reason to rejoice in the midst of the struggling? Do beautiful things remain
captivating? Do adventures remain
thrilling? Do mysterious people
remain intriguing? Does companionship remain uplifting and heartwarming? Does
helping someone still heal you? Do
you still let yourself explore? Do
you let yourself daydream and imagine and ponder and hope for things even
though you don’t know what’s going to happen?
Good things are wonderful because they are unexpected. Precious, because they were discovered in
the midst of chaos.
It is good that things are precious to you, and its okay
that you don’t know how to deal with the change and with the loss of them. Keep letting things be precious. Keep seeking and trusting in the hope
to which these good things point.
It is okay to be lost.
Only, be sure to keep exploring.
Look for home, because it is there and it is perfect and it is where we
belong. Tragically, many of us
aren’t willing to search for it and we remain lost. Encourage those around you to continue. Walk with them. There is beauty to be found if we
continue to look. And the truth,
which we find hard to grasp, is that beauty is chasing after us. We are all broken and have wandered,
but we WILL find all that our hearts long for if we desire to find it. If we turn our hearts toward it. That which has given everything to find
us will bring us home.
“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your
heart.” Jeremiah 29:13
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